A Storm of Feelings...

Going to talk to the bishop felt right, but it was the hardest thing to do. I felt that somehow we would be a disappointment to him. We are  young and supposed to be in love. Not, messed up, troubled and broken. Somehow, when the one you love is tangled in a pornography addiction you start to blame yourself. I was starting to blame myself. My mind rationalized that if my husband had this problem, I was the cause of it. This is why I was feeling terrible about going to the bishop. I felt like he would think I wasn't enough for husband, or didn't do enough for my husband. Lies. All just a bunch of lies, but I didn't know any better then.

We were in the office for what seemed like forever, but in reality a total of an hour had passed by. My husband went in first, by himself. I was called in after. He asked if I was aware of all that had gone on. I told him I was. He asked how I was doing. I responded, "I'm not sure, yet."

I wasn't sure. I wanted to run and leave this awful nightmare behind me. Something inside me wouldn't let me, though. Something was telling me I needed to stay. I didn't like that "something." I wish I could identify it. Do you know how crazy a woman must be to take such treatment? I'm not a true feminist, but I believe a woman should be treated fairly and respectfully. This was anything but!! I felt degraded. I felt worthless. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. I didn't understand who I was anymore. Me, the real me, would have been gone with the snap of the fingers. Why was I still here? What was I holding onto?

I was not alright. I was angry. I wanted to hit him, scream at him!! How could someone be so selfish? Why could he not see that all of his choices were affecting me? I wanted answers and I was not getting them.

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I wouldn't get answers for years. In fact, I still don't have all the answers. We are still working on that. But, I'm not so angry anymore. Well, I do have my days...and that's okay. I have a right to be angry. A very sacred trust was broken. Damage was done that would not be healed in one session, two sessions, even years of sessions to the bishop. If I wanted healing, it would come from a place deep within me. A place I didn't even know existed.