What This Wife of a Porn Addict Saw When She Watched Frozen

You've seen those blog posts of people giving their own interpretations of the Movie, Frozen, yeah? They talk about how Elsa's heart is cold and needs thawing. Love is the true thaw-er (I just really made up that word). That's not what I noticed when I watched it for the first time last week- we run a little behind at our home.

What stuck out to me was the warning her parents received for the troll. "Fear will be your enemy, " he warned. Instead of heeding that warning, he created more fear inside Elsa.

"Conceal it, Don't feel it. Don't let it show." This was his advice to his daughter. When she was fearful, her powers turned chaotic. The secrecy drove her fear.

You might wonder what that has to do with a pornography addiction. When I first discovered my husband's problem, it was to remain a secret. Almost 16 years later it's still to remain a secret. "Don't tell your kids, don't tell others." This was the counsel I got form my church leaders - the only people my husband has allowed to "help" him. Has it helped? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on going and shouting to all I know because it is embarrassing. People judge, so I get why. That's why I'm anonymous.  But somewhere deep inside of me I feel that if people just knew, it would all start to get better.

Once Elsa's secret was out she could begin to feel free. Free of secrets. Free of lies. Free to be who she was with no shame. And once people saw who she was, the ones who truly loved her only wanted to help her.

So could the real answer to this really be: Let them know?

 It could be the porn addict's wife version of, "Let It Go".

The Secercy

The hardest part of dealing with this in my life is the secrecy. I can't even use my real name because I don't want my friends to know about my husband's issues. You can't really talk to anyone about it. For a while I was attending a 12 step program for the wives of porn addicts. It helped quite a bit.It was nice to speak out loud how I was feeling. It was also almost like an out of body experience. i couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth! I had lived for so long in silence. It almost felt wrong. I had trained myself to not speak about it, so why was I doing it!?

In my opinion the use of pornography increases when left in the dark, when pushed under the rug. It's the thing in the corner you don't talk about, you pretend is not there. When left like this, the problem grows. It isn't until after the situation is in the light that those who suffer can begin to feel free. 

The secrecy almost ruined me. I'm grateful I was able to find the voice and a place to share. I have moved and no longer have the luxury of traveling across town to a group where I wouldn't be known. There are only two groups in my area. I'm scared to step foot in it. Nobody knows me. I don't want this to be their first thought of me. I want them to know that I am a great mom, a sports lover, that I have a kind heart. People should know this first! But if I'm going to be free of all this, I know I need to start saying it out loud again. I hope my next entry will be about the group I visited. I would love to tell you how I felt.