The hardest part of dealing with this in my life is the secrecy. I can't even use my real name because I don't want my friends to know about my husband's issues. You can't really talk to anyone about it. For a while I was attending a 12 step program for the wives of porn addicts. It helped quite a bit.It was nice to speak out loud how I was feeling. It was also almost like an out of body experience. i couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth! I had lived for so long in silence. It almost felt wrong. I had trained myself to not speak about it, so why was I doing it!?
In my opinion the use of pornography increases when left in the dark, when pushed under the rug. It's the thing in the corner you don't talk about, you pretend is not there. When left like this, the problem grows. It isn't until after the situation is in the light that those who suffer can begin to feel free.
The secrecy almost ruined me. I'm grateful I was able to find the voice and a place to share. I have moved and no longer have the luxury of traveling across town to a group where I wouldn't be known. There are only two groups in my area. I'm scared to step foot in it. Nobody knows me. I don't want this to be their first thought of me. I want them to know that I am a great mom, a sports lover, that I have a kind heart. People should know this first! But if I'm going to be free of all this, I know I need to start saying it out loud again. I hope my next entry will be about the group I visited. I would love to tell you how I felt.
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