What This Wife of a Porn Addict Saw When She Watched Frozen

You've seen those blog posts of people giving their own interpretations of the Movie, Frozen, yeah? They talk about how Elsa's heart is cold and needs thawing. Love is the true thaw-er (I just really made up that word). That's not what I noticed when I watched it for the first time last week- we run a little behind at our home.

What stuck out to me was the warning her parents received for the troll. "Fear will be your enemy, " he warned. Instead of heeding that warning, he created more fear inside Elsa.

"Conceal it, Don't feel it. Don't let it show." This was his advice to his daughter. When she was fearful, her powers turned chaotic. The secrecy drove her fear.

You might wonder what that has to do with a pornography addiction. When I first discovered my husband's problem, it was to remain a secret. Almost 16 years later it's still to remain a secret. "Don't tell your kids, don't tell others." This was the counsel I got form my church leaders - the only people my husband has allowed to "help" him. Has it helped? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on going and shouting to all I know because it is embarrassing. People judge, so I get why. That's why I'm anonymous.  But somewhere deep inside of me I feel that if people just knew, it would all start to get better.

Once Elsa's secret was out she could begin to feel free. Free of secrets. Free of lies. Free to be who she was with no shame. And once people saw who she was, the ones who truly loved her only wanted to help her.

So could the real answer to this really be: Let them know?

 It could be the porn addict's wife version of, "Let It Go".

The Secercy

The hardest part of dealing with this in my life is the secrecy. I can't even use my real name because I don't want my friends to know about my husband's issues. You can't really talk to anyone about it. For a while I was attending a 12 step program for the wives of porn addicts. It helped quite a bit.It was nice to speak out loud how I was feeling. It was also almost like an out of body experience. i couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth! I had lived for so long in silence. It almost felt wrong. I had trained myself to not speak about it, so why was I doing it!?

In my opinion the use of pornography increases when left in the dark, when pushed under the rug. It's the thing in the corner you don't talk about, you pretend is not there. When left like this, the problem grows. It isn't until after the situation is in the light that those who suffer can begin to feel free. 

The secrecy almost ruined me. I'm grateful I was able to find the voice and a place to share. I have moved and no longer have the luxury of traveling across town to a group where I wouldn't be known. There are only two groups in my area. I'm scared to step foot in it. Nobody knows me. I don't want this to be their first thought of me. I want them to know that I am a great mom, a sports lover, that I have a kind heart. People should know this first! But if I'm going to be free of all this, I know I need to start saying it out loud again. I hope my next entry will be about the group I visited. I would love to tell you how I felt.

Honesty

My husband came to me today to let me know that he had struggled today. What does that mean? It means that he had either viewed pornography, found himself in place he shouldn't have been, or just had to fight hard today to stay clean. I kind of laugh when I read this because it is so crazy! That's a huge range. How do you know how mad to be?

After a short discussion I found out he struggled with thoughts and desires. He ended up visiting a certain website he has promised to stay away form because it sends his mind racing with impure thoughts. After viewing this page, he finds himself where he doesn't want to be. 

It could have been worse. There was no acting out, there was no nudity. There was desire. That's what we're fighting at the moment. There was honesty too. He stopped and realized what he was doing and pulled himself out of the lies and fantasy that are pornography. Because he was able to do that, he saw it for the disgusting, vile thing his addiction is. It stopped him in his tracks.

It might seem a small, insignificant event, so why even tell you? Nothing really happened, he stopped. 

In recovery there is three parts to honesty. Being honest with yourself, being honest with those around you, and being honest with God. If we plan to ever make it through this horrible addiction, honesty is going to be the key.  

I am grateful that today he was able to come home and open up to me. That he felt safe to be honest with me. I am glad that I didn't feel like yelling today. He was honest and I thanked him. I was honest with myself to not runaway to Pretend Land where this addiction doesn't exist. As long as we're both willing to be honest, I know we'll be alright.

Working On It...Still

Leaving the bishop's office gave me hope. I knew that if my husband was willing to tell someone what he had done, take the necessary steps, to be forgiven, and keep working on his addiction, I could be with him. I didn't realize 17 years later I would still be waiting. That can be hard.

I have my days when I no longer have hope. I realize this might be my reality for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Will I ever be? I don't know. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. You would think after fight ting for so long we would be in a better situation. We are not. I'm still waiting and he's still fighting. I'm exhausted.

There are things worth fighting for though. We have kids together. What happens if I choose to leave this outrageous married life and take my kids with me? I honestly feel right now that I would make the situation worse. I think we- me and the kids- keep him still on the right path. I'm afraid if we were gone, he'd give up and this addiction would consume him. The thought of leaving my kids with someone consumed in a sexual/porn addiction frightens me.

To be honest, i think my husband is worth fighting for. He is a good man! He currently sucks as a husband, but he is a damn good father! He has a work ethic like I have never seen before. He is funny. He is kind. he is a romantic. He is gentle. There are so many good things I sometimes overlook the terrible. Not the best thing, but I have to survive in this marriage. And really deep down I know the real man that resides in him. I want to be there when that man emerges and is always present in our lives. For this reason I will still fight.

A Storm of Feelings...

Going to talk to the bishop felt right, but it was the hardest thing to do. I felt that somehow we would be a disappointment to him. We are  young and supposed to be in love. Not, messed up, troubled and broken. Somehow, when the one you love is tangled in a pornography addiction you start to blame yourself. I was starting to blame myself. My mind rationalized that if my husband had this problem, I was the cause of it. This is why I was feeling terrible about going to the bishop. I felt like he would think I wasn't enough for husband, or didn't do enough for my husband. Lies. All just a bunch of lies, but I didn't know any better then.

We were in the office for what seemed like forever, but in reality a total of an hour had passed by. My husband went in first, by himself. I was called in after. He asked if I was aware of all that had gone on. I told him I was. He asked how I was doing. I responded, "I'm not sure, yet."

I wasn't sure. I wanted to run and leave this awful nightmare behind me. Something inside me wouldn't let me, though. Something was telling me I needed to stay. I didn't like that "something." I wish I could identify it. Do you know how crazy a woman must be to take such treatment? I'm not a true feminist, but I believe a woman should be treated fairly and respectfully. This was anything but!! I felt degraded. I felt worthless. I felt betrayed. I felt lost. I didn't understand who I was anymore. Me, the real me, would have been gone with the snap of the fingers. Why was I still here? What was I holding onto?

I was not alright. I was angry. I wanted to hit him, scream at him!! How could someone be so selfish? Why could he not see that all of his choices were affecting me? I wanted answers and I was not getting them.

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I wouldn't get answers for years. In fact, I still don't have all the answers. We are still working on that. But, I'm not so angry anymore. Well, I do have my days...and that's okay. I have a right to be angry. A very sacred trust was broken. Damage was done that would not be healed in one session, two sessions, even years of sessions to the bishop. If I wanted healing, it would come from a place deep within me. A place I didn't even know existed. 

Coming Clean...

We had been married for two years. I had a baby. He was almost one. He kept my mind occupied. When I took care of him, I didn't have to think about what was happening in my world.

 

A month before our 2nd year anniversary, I discovered some charges on our phone bill. They were 900 numbers. I called my husband to find out what was going on. He denied ever calling them, but in my gut I knew he was lying. I kept pushing the issue. Finally, he came clean. He admitted to making the phone calls. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

The next couple of weeks were filled with confusion and sadness. I just wanted to be done with this marriage. How am I supposed to do this, is all I could wonder. Everything I ever thought to be true about this man was wrong! My world, as I knew it, had just been turned, shaken, and turned again. I felt as if I was living inside of a snow globe that belonged to a toddler. I didn't know what to do.

 

My husband came to me one night and apologized, again. This time I felt as if he were being truly sincere. His words brought comfort and, somehow, I  knew I could get through this. Life seemed to be getting better. We were communicating like we used to and I felt like the man I married was returning. We were beginning to enjoy life again.

 

A month had gone by. I was taking care of the baby when my husband walked through the door after returning from a hunting trip. He could barely walk! I jumped up to help him. All day long he laid in bed in pain. I wasn't quite sure what to do for him. He reassured me that he just needed to rest.

 

In the evening he came out of the bedroom and joined me watching TV.  My husband grabbed my hand and began crying. What came out of his mouth numbed me. He told me how he had been involved with a woman from work. I didn't really know what to do, so I asked questions. I didn't like a lot of the answers. He kept crying and talking. I decided I had had enough and just wanted to go to bed.

 

I didn't sleep well that night. My stomach was in my throat all night long. No matter what I did, I couldn't get comfortable. I know he was awake, too. I just couldn't talk to him.

 

We got up when the sun came up. It was early for a Sunday. I think neither one of us could sleep though. I spent most of the morning thinking about what I was going to do. Do I stay? Do I go? What about our child? SO many questions without answers.

 

I decided we needed to talk to our bishop. I told him that's where we were going right after sacrament meeting. HE didn't argue. He seemed relieved. I felt peace with that decision. We continued getting ready.

 

Not long after, my husband reentered the bedroom and asked me to come sit down by him. I sat down and tears flowed from his eyes. He was talking to me, but I couldn't understand one word. I asked him to calm down. After about 5 minutes, I knew everything. I knew about the strip clubs, the additional 2 women- that makes 3 now, I knew about the pornography. I was numb, I was in shock.

 

I started to cry. My heart was broken. The tears wouldn't stop. I was frustrated, confused, angry!  The tears kept coming. What am I going to do? How do you deal with this? How does a 21 year-old deal with her life falling apart?

 

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This day would be the beginning of a new road for me. It would take years before I would understand why I was chosen to walk down this path. This journey almost killed me inside. I'm grateful that I'm here to tell this story of my journey. I hope by telling it someone will find the courage to walk their journey. 

Things Didn't Seem Right...

We had only been married about three months when I decided I wanted out! I felt like my new kind, wonderful, loving husband had been switched with an invading alien, or something! All of a sudden I was not good enough. I couldn't cook right. I didn't clean right. I didn't dress right. I couldn't even put the roll of toilet paper on right - apparently the toilet paper is to come over the top. Who worries about things like that?!!! I was beginning to miss my boyfriend who loved me for me. 

 

I wondered why this man couldn't love me for being me. I dressed the same as I always had. He just now saw me in my "comfy clothes" more often. I had cooked for him before, he liked my cooking. He had been to my apartment before. He didn't mention it being dirty. I wasn't a dirty person. I'm pretty sure he had used the bathroom before, too. I never was told my toilet paper was on wrong. Don't you think if those were things that were important to him, he would've at least mentioned something? I was absolutely confused!!

 

I called my mom wanting to come home. I was in tears! I was a mess! She assured me that every newly married couple as their "kinks" they have to work out. I felt better. I trusted her advice. She had been married to the same man for over thirty years. She knew what she was talking about.

 

 

It did get better. Not because he changed, I just learned to deal with his criticism. The more I began to understand who he was, I was able to not be so offended. He was a perfectionist. Everything needed to be perfect. Did I make sure everything was? No! I just learned to look at him and say, "Really? Then you deal with it!" It worked for me. It was a way I could acknowledge his desires, but remain true to who I was. I was learning to be happy again.

 

 

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I didn't realize at the time that his perfectionism would be a major red flag. Oh, how hind sight is 20/20! I should have dealt with it then, but I was too young, too inexperienced, and too immature to know better.