Leaving the bishop's office gave me hope. I knew that if my husband was willing to tell someone what he had done, take the necessary steps, to be forgiven, and keep working on his addiction, I could be with him. I didn't realize 17 years later I would still be waiting. That can be hard.
I have my days when I no longer have hope. I realize this might be my reality for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Will I ever be? I don't know. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. You would think after fight ting for so long we would be in a better situation. We are not. I'm still waiting and he's still fighting. I'm exhausted.
There are things worth fighting for though. We have kids together. What happens if I choose to leave this outrageous married life and take my kids with me? I honestly feel right now that I would make the situation worse. I think we- me and the kids- keep him still on the right path. I'm afraid if we were gone, he'd give up and this addiction would consume him. The thought of leaving my kids with someone consumed in a sexual/porn addiction frightens me.
To be honest, i think my husband is worth fighting for. He is a good man! He currently sucks as a husband, but he is a damn good father! He has a work ethic like I have never seen before. He is funny. He is kind. he is a romantic. He is gentle. There are so many good things I sometimes overlook the terrible. Not the best thing, but I have to survive in this marriage. And really deep down I know the real man that resides in him. I want to be there when that man emerges and is always present in our lives. For this reason I will still fight.
No comments:
Post a Comment