Honesty

My husband came to me today to let me know that he had struggled today. What does that mean? It means that he had either viewed pornography, found himself in place he shouldn't have been, or just had to fight hard today to stay clean. I kind of laugh when I read this because it is so crazy! That's a huge range. How do you know how mad to be?

After a short discussion I found out he struggled with thoughts and desires. He ended up visiting a certain website he has promised to stay away form because it sends his mind racing with impure thoughts. After viewing this page, he finds himself where he doesn't want to be. 

It could have been worse. There was no acting out, there was no nudity. There was desire. That's what we're fighting at the moment. There was honesty too. He stopped and realized what he was doing and pulled himself out of the lies and fantasy that are pornography. Because he was able to do that, he saw it for the disgusting, vile thing his addiction is. It stopped him in his tracks.

It might seem a small, insignificant event, so why even tell you? Nothing really happened, he stopped. 

In recovery there is three parts to honesty. Being honest with yourself, being honest with those around you, and being honest with God. If we plan to ever make it through this horrible addiction, honesty is going to be the key.  

I am grateful that today he was able to come home and open up to me. That he felt safe to be honest with me. I am glad that I didn't feel like yelling today. He was honest and I thanked him. I was honest with myself to not runaway to Pretend Land where this addiction doesn't exist. As long as we're both willing to be honest, I know we'll be alright.

Working On It...Still

Leaving the bishop's office gave me hope. I knew that if my husband was willing to tell someone what he had done, take the necessary steps, to be forgiven, and keep working on his addiction, I could be with him. I didn't realize 17 years later I would still be waiting. That can be hard.

I have my days when I no longer have hope. I realize this might be my reality for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Will I ever be? I don't know. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. You would think after fight ting for so long we would be in a better situation. We are not. I'm still waiting and he's still fighting. I'm exhausted.

There are things worth fighting for though. We have kids together. What happens if I choose to leave this outrageous married life and take my kids with me? I honestly feel right now that I would make the situation worse. I think we- me and the kids- keep him still on the right path. I'm afraid if we were gone, he'd give up and this addiction would consume him. The thought of leaving my kids with someone consumed in a sexual/porn addiction frightens me.

To be honest, i think my husband is worth fighting for. He is a good man! He currently sucks as a husband, but he is a damn good father! He has a work ethic like I have never seen before. He is funny. He is kind. he is a romantic. He is gentle. There are so many good things I sometimes overlook the terrible. Not the best thing, but I have to survive in this marriage. And really deep down I know the real man that resides in him. I want to be there when that man emerges and is always present in our lives. For this reason I will still fight.