What This Wife of a Porn Addict Saw When She Watched Frozen

You've seen those blog posts of people giving their own interpretations of the Movie, Frozen, yeah? They talk about how Elsa's heart is cold and needs thawing. Love is the true thaw-er (I just really made up that word). That's not what I noticed when I watched it for the first time last week- we run a little behind at our home.

What stuck out to me was the warning her parents received for the troll. "Fear will be your enemy, " he warned. Instead of heeding that warning, he created more fear inside Elsa.

"Conceal it, Don't feel it. Don't let it show." This was his advice to his daughter. When she was fearful, her powers turned chaotic. The secrecy drove her fear.

You might wonder what that has to do with a pornography addiction. When I first discovered my husband's problem, it was to remain a secret. Almost 16 years later it's still to remain a secret. "Don't tell your kids, don't tell others." This was the counsel I got form my church leaders - the only people my husband has allowed to "help" him. Has it helped? I don't think so. Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on going and shouting to all I know because it is embarrassing. People judge, so I get why. That's why I'm anonymous.  But somewhere deep inside of me I feel that if people just knew, it would all start to get better.

Once Elsa's secret was out she could begin to feel free. Free of secrets. Free of lies. Free to be who she was with no shame. And once people saw who she was, the ones who truly loved her only wanted to help her.

So could the real answer to this really be: Let them know?

 It could be the porn addict's wife version of, "Let It Go".

The Secercy

The hardest part of dealing with this in my life is the secrecy. I can't even use my real name because I don't want my friends to know about my husband's issues. You can't really talk to anyone about it. For a while I was attending a 12 step program for the wives of porn addicts. It helped quite a bit.It was nice to speak out loud how I was feeling. It was also almost like an out of body experience. i couldn't believe those words were coming out of my mouth! I had lived for so long in silence. It almost felt wrong. I had trained myself to not speak about it, so why was I doing it!?

In my opinion the use of pornography increases when left in the dark, when pushed under the rug. It's the thing in the corner you don't talk about, you pretend is not there. When left like this, the problem grows. It isn't until after the situation is in the light that those who suffer can begin to feel free. 

The secrecy almost ruined me. I'm grateful I was able to find the voice and a place to share. I have moved and no longer have the luxury of traveling across town to a group where I wouldn't be known. There are only two groups in my area. I'm scared to step foot in it. Nobody knows me. I don't want this to be their first thought of me. I want them to know that I am a great mom, a sports lover, that I have a kind heart. People should know this first! But if I'm going to be free of all this, I know I need to start saying it out loud again. I hope my next entry will be about the group I visited. I would love to tell you how I felt.

Honesty

My husband came to me today to let me know that he had struggled today. What does that mean? It means that he had either viewed pornography, found himself in place he shouldn't have been, or just had to fight hard today to stay clean. I kind of laugh when I read this because it is so crazy! That's a huge range. How do you know how mad to be?

After a short discussion I found out he struggled with thoughts and desires. He ended up visiting a certain website he has promised to stay away form because it sends his mind racing with impure thoughts. After viewing this page, he finds himself where he doesn't want to be. 

It could have been worse. There was no acting out, there was no nudity. There was desire. That's what we're fighting at the moment. There was honesty too. He stopped and realized what he was doing and pulled himself out of the lies and fantasy that are pornography. Because he was able to do that, he saw it for the disgusting, vile thing his addiction is. It stopped him in his tracks.

It might seem a small, insignificant event, so why even tell you? Nothing really happened, he stopped. 

In recovery there is three parts to honesty. Being honest with yourself, being honest with those around you, and being honest with God. If we plan to ever make it through this horrible addiction, honesty is going to be the key.  

I am grateful that today he was able to come home and open up to me. That he felt safe to be honest with me. I am glad that I didn't feel like yelling today. He was honest and I thanked him. I was honest with myself to not runaway to Pretend Land where this addiction doesn't exist. As long as we're both willing to be honest, I know we'll be alright.

Working On It...Still

Leaving the bishop's office gave me hope. I knew that if my husband was willing to tell someone what he had done, take the necessary steps, to be forgiven, and keep working on his addiction, I could be with him. I didn't realize 17 years later I would still be waiting. That can be hard.

I have my days when I no longer have hope. I realize this might be my reality for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Will I ever be? I don't know. What am I going to do about it? I don't know. You would think after fight ting for so long we would be in a better situation. We are not. I'm still waiting and he's still fighting. I'm exhausted.

There are things worth fighting for though. We have kids together. What happens if I choose to leave this outrageous married life and take my kids with me? I honestly feel right now that I would make the situation worse. I think we- me and the kids- keep him still on the right path. I'm afraid if we were gone, he'd give up and this addiction would consume him. The thought of leaving my kids with someone consumed in a sexual/porn addiction frightens me.

To be honest, i think my husband is worth fighting for. He is a good man! He currently sucks as a husband, but he is a damn good father! He has a work ethic like I have never seen before. He is funny. He is kind. he is a romantic. He is gentle. There are so many good things I sometimes overlook the terrible. Not the best thing, but I have to survive in this marriage. And really deep down I know the real man that resides in him. I want to be there when that man emerges and is always present in our lives. For this reason I will still fight.