Coming Clean...

We had been married for two years. I had a baby. He was almost one. He kept my mind occupied. When I took care of him, I didn't have to think about what was happening in my world.

 

A month before our 2nd year anniversary, I discovered some charges on our phone bill. They were 900 numbers. I called my husband to find out what was going on. He denied ever calling them, but in my gut I knew he was lying. I kept pushing the issue. Finally, he came clean. He admitted to making the phone calls. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

 

The next couple of weeks were filled with confusion and sadness. I just wanted to be done with this marriage. How am I supposed to do this, is all I could wonder. Everything I ever thought to be true about this man was wrong! My world, as I knew it, had just been turned, shaken, and turned again. I felt as if I was living inside of a snow globe that belonged to a toddler. I didn't know what to do.

 

My husband came to me one night and apologized, again. This time I felt as if he were being truly sincere. His words brought comfort and, somehow, I  knew I could get through this. Life seemed to be getting better. We were communicating like we used to and I felt like the man I married was returning. We were beginning to enjoy life again.

 

A month had gone by. I was taking care of the baby when my husband walked through the door after returning from a hunting trip. He could barely walk! I jumped up to help him. All day long he laid in bed in pain. I wasn't quite sure what to do for him. He reassured me that he just needed to rest.

 

In the evening he came out of the bedroom and joined me watching TV.  My husband grabbed my hand and began crying. What came out of his mouth numbed me. He told me how he had been involved with a woman from work. I didn't really know what to do, so I asked questions. I didn't like a lot of the answers. He kept crying and talking. I decided I had had enough and just wanted to go to bed.

 

I didn't sleep well that night. My stomach was in my throat all night long. No matter what I did, I couldn't get comfortable. I know he was awake, too. I just couldn't talk to him.

 

We got up when the sun came up. It was early for a Sunday. I think neither one of us could sleep though. I spent most of the morning thinking about what I was going to do. Do I stay? Do I go? What about our child? SO many questions without answers.

 

I decided we needed to talk to our bishop. I told him that's where we were going right after sacrament meeting. HE didn't argue. He seemed relieved. I felt peace with that decision. We continued getting ready.

 

Not long after, my husband reentered the bedroom and asked me to come sit down by him. I sat down and tears flowed from his eyes. He was talking to me, but I couldn't understand one word. I asked him to calm down. After about 5 minutes, I knew everything. I knew about the strip clubs, the additional 2 women- that makes 3 now, I knew about the pornography. I was numb, I was in shock.

 

I started to cry. My heart was broken. The tears wouldn't stop. I was frustrated, confused, angry!  The tears kept coming. What am I going to do? How do you deal with this? How does a 21 year-old deal with her life falling apart?

 

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This day would be the beginning of a new road for me. It would take years before I would understand why I was chosen to walk down this path. This journey almost killed me inside. I'm grateful that I'm here to tell this story of my journey. I hope by telling it someone will find the courage to walk their journey. 

Things Didn't Seem Right...

We had only been married about three months when I decided I wanted out! I felt like my new kind, wonderful, loving husband had been switched with an invading alien, or something! All of a sudden I was not good enough. I couldn't cook right. I didn't clean right. I didn't dress right. I couldn't even put the roll of toilet paper on right - apparently the toilet paper is to come over the top. Who worries about things like that?!!! I was beginning to miss my boyfriend who loved me for me. 

 

I wondered why this man couldn't love me for being me. I dressed the same as I always had. He just now saw me in my "comfy clothes" more often. I had cooked for him before, he liked my cooking. He had been to my apartment before. He didn't mention it being dirty. I wasn't a dirty person. I'm pretty sure he had used the bathroom before, too. I never was told my toilet paper was on wrong. Don't you think if those were things that were important to him, he would've at least mentioned something? I was absolutely confused!!

 

I called my mom wanting to come home. I was in tears! I was a mess! She assured me that every newly married couple as their "kinks" they have to work out. I felt better. I trusted her advice. She had been married to the same man for over thirty years. She knew what she was talking about.

 

 

It did get better. Not because he changed, I just learned to deal with his criticism. The more I began to understand who he was, I was able to not be so offended. He was a perfectionist. Everything needed to be perfect. Did I make sure everything was? No! I just learned to look at him and say, "Really? Then you deal with it!" It worked for me. It was a way I could acknowledge his desires, but remain true to who I was. I was learning to be happy again.

 

 

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I didn't realize at the time that his perfectionism would be a major red flag. Oh, how hind sight is 20/20! I should have dealt with it then, but I was too young, too inexperienced, and too immature to know better. 

In the Beginning...

I grew up in an extremely active LDS (Mormon) family. My parents had 11 children. We didn't have a lot of money, but I had a happy childhood. I have no bad memories. My parents loved each other. They loved us.

As a teenager I would say I was pretty awesome! I did typical teenage things like sneaking out, but never got into trouble. I always chose to do what  was right. I never smoked. I never drank. I wasn't having sex. I was a "good girl." I wasn't perfect. I had my shortcomings. I didn't do my best in school, but I was there and I loved learning.

I graduated high school and guess where I went? Yup. Utah. I was excited to start this new chapter in my life. I was thrilled to be on my own!

The first 6 months flew by! I kept busy working and saving for college- no scholarships for the girl who doesn't do her best. I did have a good work ethic and was saving for my goal.

My boyfriend from home would come up most weekends. We were best friends. I loved spending time with him. He got me. He knew me. He loved me for who I was.  I never felt he had any expectations of me. In his mind I was perfect. I was happy!

He got his mission call shortly after I had been here, but he didn't leave until that 6 month mark. I was sad. I was going to miss him, but knew he was doing the right thing. He left on his mission. I planned on "waiting" for him, but I also planned on dating. I was not just going to sit around. You're single once. I was going to go out and meet people and have fun!

Shortly after he left, I met a very nice returned missionary. He was handsome, kind, and always happy. I was attracted to his smile and sense of humor. He made me feel happy! He asked me out on a date. I agreed to go with him. We had so much fun! We were never apart from then on. We hit it off from the start.

A long story short... after 6 months of dating, we decided we wanted to be together. We got engaged. We were married in the temple after a 2 and half month engagement. When we came out of the temple, I couldn't believe I was going to spend eternity with someone so kind, happy, and loving. I had just committed my life to one of the most wonderful men I have ever known!!

 

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That was 17 years ago. I wish I could say I was that happy all of those years, but I cannot. I would like to tell you the story of me. I would like to share my experiences that have been so dark for so long. I never thought this would be my story, but it is. It is real and I live it everyday. It is dark, but in the midst of it I have found a light. That light allows me to be happy.