We had been married for two years. I had a baby. He was almost one. He kept my mind occupied. When I took care of him, I didn't have to think about what was happening in my world.
A month before our 2nd year anniversary, I discovered some charges on our phone bill. They were 900 numbers. I called my husband to find out what was going on. He denied ever calling them, but in my gut I knew he was lying. I kept pushing the issue. Finally, he came clean. He admitted to making the phone calls. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
The next couple of weeks were filled with confusion and sadness. I just wanted to be done with this marriage. How am I supposed to do this, is all I could wonder. Everything I ever thought to be true about this man was wrong! My world, as I knew it, had just been turned, shaken, and turned again. I felt as if I was living inside of a snow globe that belonged to a toddler. I didn't know what to do.
My husband came to me one night and apologized, again. This time I felt as if he were being truly sincere. His words brought comfort and, somehow, I knew I could get through this. Life seemed to be getting better. We were communicating like we used to and I felt like the man I married was returning. We were beginning to enjoy life again.
A month had gone by. I was taking care of the baby when my husband walked through the door after returning from a hunting trip. He could barely walk! I jumped up to help him. All day long he laid in bed in pain. I wasn't quite sure what to do for him. He reassured me that he just needed to rest.
In the evening he came out of the bedroom and joined me watching TV. My husband grabbed my hand and began crying. What came out of his mouth numbed me. He told me how he had been involved with a woman from work. I didn't really know what to do, so I asked questions. I didn't like a lot of the answers. He kept crying and talking. I decided I had had enough and just wanted to go to bed.
I didn't sleep well that night. My stomach was in my throat all night long. No matter what I did, I couldn't get comfortable. I know he was awake, too. I just couldn't talk to him.
We got up when the sun came up. It was early for a Sunday. I think neither one of us could sleep though. I spent most of the morning thinking about what I was going to do. Do I stay? Do I go? What about our child? SO many questions without answers.
I decided we needed to talk to our bishop. I told him that's where we were going right after sacrament meeting. HE didn't argue. He seemed relieved. I felt peace with that decision. We continued getting ready.
Not long after, my husband reentered the bedroom and asked me to come sit down by him. I sat down and tears flowed from his eyes. He was talking to me, but I couldn't understand one word. I asked him to calm down. After about 5 minutes, I knew everything. I knew about the strip clubs, the additional 2 women- that makes 3 now, I knew about the pornography. I was numb, I was in shock.
I started to cry. My heart was broken. The tears wouldn't stop. I was frustrated, confused, angry! The tears kept coming. What am I going to do? How do you deal with this? How does a 21 year-old deal with her life falling apart?
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This day would be the beginning of a new road for me. It would take years before I would understand why I was chosen to walk down this path. This journey almost killed me inside. I'm grateful that I'm here to tell this story of my journey. I hope by telling it someone will find the courage to walk their journey.
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